Christmas at Cade Ranch Page 14

  She was losing control, but what scared her more was that James, the voice of reason, logic, order, seemed to have completely lost his as well.

  “James,” she gasped. “James.”

  “Ummmmmmm?” He nipped at her collarbone and his broad hands gripped her waist.

  “James, stop.”

  She felt him stiffen above her and his crazy long eyelashes brushed her skin as he blinked. A moment later, he shook his head and sat up, bringing her with him before releasing her. Never had she seen him look so vulnerable, dazed even.

  “I’m sorry. This is just... It’s just...” The iPod shuffled again and she froze when Rascal Flatts began singing “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.”

  “That’s Jesse’s...”

  “Favorite song,” James finished for her; the open expression he’d worn fell away and disappeared. He’d closed himself off again and disappointment surged.

  But that was what she wanted, wasn’t it? She couldn’t let herself fall for someone like James who would expect more than she might ever be able to give, someone who would always remind her of her past.

  Besides, he was Jesse’s brother. She just couldn’t. What kind of horrible person would kick Jesse out, deny him his son, then take up with his brother after Jesse’s death? Kissing James in Jesse’s house was as bad as dancing on his grave. She didn’t deserve this kind of happiness when she’d denied Jesse that chance.

  And hadn’t she loved Jesse?

  Yes. Of course she had.

  But deep down she knew her feelings for him had never been as intense, as complicated as those she experienced every time James’s soulful eyes landed on her.

  Was she falling for him?

  He edged away. The eggnog shook slightly as he lifted a glass to his lips and downed half of it in one long gulp.

  “I’m sorry,” she began. “It’s just...”

  He shook off the hand she’d placed on his arm. “No need to explain. We let the moment get to us. That’s all. It was a mistake. One we shouldn’t repeat.”

  No. She wanted to cry. She wanted to repeat it. Wanted to hold him. Kiss him. But neither of them was capable of being the person the other needed.

  “I learned something tonight, at NA.”

  He set down his glass. “I’m glad you went.”

  “Me, too.” She felt herself glow at the warm appreciation, the respect flickering in his gorgeous eyes. “I realized that there’s someone I need to get to know before Javi and I leave for Portland.”

  “Who’s that?”

  “Myself.”

  He nodded and the dying fire popped in the quiet swelling between them. When she shivered, he grabbed a red wool afghan off the back of the couch and tucked it around her. His fingers fumbled a bit as he crisscrossed the ends and she nearly drowned at the longing on his face.

  “I’d like to get to know her, too.” His deep voice sounded so sincere she ached. “Before you go, I mean.”

  “Right.” She spied the popcorn and the need to break this tension seized her. “Like...I bet you didn’t know I could do this.”

  She tossed a kernel up in the air, stuck out her tongue and caught it neatly. His long eyelashes fluttered before a big, walloping grin broke out across his handsome face.

  “Impressive. But can you do this?” He crossed his eyes, then stuck out a curled tongue to touch the tip of his nose.

  A snort-laugh escaped her. James was fun. Funny. He made her laugh, open up, cry. Lots of things, including making her feel safe. In another place, a different time, she wondered if he could be a friend...but then she shut down the thought. She’d never had a real friend, not anyone outside of her old drug life.

  “Yeah? Try this.” She patted her belly and rubbed the top of her head.

  He chuckled. “You’re supposed to rub your stomach and pat your head, idiot,” he said affectionately, demonstrating.

  “Now you’re just showing off.” She rolled her eyes.

  His dark, dreamy gaze gleamed at her. “Is it working?”

  “Not really,” she teased, but it was, it was.

  “Didn’t think so.”

  Clint’s ears twitched at the sound of their mingled laughter. The way James’s rugged features lit up, Sofia observed, it transformed him from a gruff, hard-bitten ranch manager to a gentleman cowboy.

  “Why did you say these were beautiful?” she asked, surprising herself as she extended her arm. The room fell silent save for an instrumental version of “Silent Night.”

  His smile evaporated and he shuffled his feet. They watched roly-poly Clint lurch onto his paws, drop to the ground then stalk to the fire, stubby tail flicking.

  “You don’t have to answer that,” she rushed in when the silence swelled and stretched to its breaking point. “I’m not sure why I asked. Like you said. That was a mistake.”

  James’s chest lifted in a deep inhalation and his deep brown eyes searched hers. “Guess what I meant is—is that your pretty face isn’t all that makes you beautiful.”

  She blushed at the compliment.

  “Those marks. They show you’re a survivor. That you’ve been tested. That you’re strong and that—that’s beautiful to me.”

  Sofia’s heart leaped into a gallop and she leaned toward James again, pulled by an irresistible force.

  “Jesse didn’t survive,” he continued, his voice raw and his eyes sad.

  “But he tried. He did what he could.”

  James stroked a finger down the side of her face, a touch so gentle, so magical, it could have been a butterfly’s wing.

  “Mama! Is it Christmas?”

  She and James stood so quickly their knees knocked together. Javi flew down the steps in a blur of red and launched himself into James’s arms before he hit the landing.

  “Hey, buddy. What did we say about the stairs?” James chided. Her gaze swerved to his and she couldn’t quite read his expression.

  “Sorry, Uncle James.” When Javi squirmed, James set him down and her son scrambled back up to repeat a more sedate descent.

  “Was I good?”

  “You’re always good, honey.” Sofia bent to press a kiss to his cheek but he ducked out of the way. Funny how he’d started acting like he didn’t want her to give him any affection except when they were in private now.

  “Santa doesn’t think so.” Javi pointed at the large, empty stocking that hung from the chimney. “He didn’t bring me any presents.”

  “That’s because it’s not Christmas yet, silly,” Sofia clarified. “And we don’t have a tree.”

  “Then how come you and Uncle James are up?”

  “Yeah. How come you two are up?” drawled Jewel from above. At her arched brow and knowing look, Sofia’s toes curled beneath her nightgown’s hem.

  “Up to no good, I bet,” Jared said with a wink as he entered the house. Cold air rushed in on his heels and swept through the room before he shut the door against it.

  “What’s going on?” Joy appeared beside Jewel, her hair flattened on one side of her face.

  Sofia cringed. How this must look.

  “Nothing, Ma,” James called, back in control again. “Sofia and I were just setting up the train.”

  “Is that what you call it?” Jewel smirked.

  “A train! Whoopeeee!” Javi leaped at the tracks with a bounce that would have demolished them if not for James’s lightning-fast kid reflexes. He caught Javi around the middle.

  “Not yet, bud. Sleep first. Play in the morning. Deal?”

  Javi’s cheeks blew with the force of his sigh. “Is that being good?”

  “Very good.”

  “Okay. Uncle James? Can you tuck me in with Mama?”

  “If your mom says it’s okay.”

  Sh
e nodded, touched at the bond between her son and this incredible man. Jewel, Joy and Jared called good-night as she and James walked up the stairs, each holding one of Javi’s hands. At the top, Javi paused.

  “Do you love me, Uncle James?”

  “Yes,” James said, his voice gruff. “I love you.”

  “Are you like a daddy?”

  James pulled Javi close. “Yes.” The single syllable was fierce and packed with emotion.

  Javi hugged James’s knees and Sofia’s heart skipped at the tenderness on James’s face. “Santa gave me what I wanted.”

  Her heart clenched. She wanted to give Javi a parent, a family to be proud of so badly. Could that person be James rather than her after all?

  James angled his head and their eyes met.

  Javi had what he wanted, but what about her and James?

  What did they want?

  * * *

  “THAT ONE!”

  James followed Javi’s pointed finger to a ten-foot white artificial tree strung with pink and purple twinkle lights and clear glass ornaments. Sandwiched between a string of traditional Christmas trees bedecked in traditional red, green and gold, it stuck out like an Elvis impersonator officiating a Quaker wedding.

  Winter-clad groups passed by. Some stopped to drop their auction tickets in one tree’s bucket or another while a few lingered to stay inside before Carbondale’s Festival of Lights parade began.

  “You sure?” Jared absently waved to a couple of hollering women. Spit-shined in a new brown Stetson, and tooled leather boots so clean they begged the question if Jared had levitated instead of walked here, his younger brother looked more than ready to mingle at Carbondale’s annual holiday event.

  “Yep.” Javi nodded emphatically. “Her name’s MaeBelle.”

  “MaeBelle?” Jewel asked. Her brow scrunched.

  Tonight, she’d tamed down her tomboy look a smidge, James noticed. Her trademark braids still swung against her shoulders, but she’d done something different to her face, he mused. Makeup? Seemed unlikely given she didn’t own any. Yet how to account for the hectic blush that turned the skin between her freckles a bright pink? Then he noticed Heath Loveland, Jewel’s old classmate. The tall, lithe cowboy shoved off from a nearby wooden pillar and ambled outdoors, Jewel’s eyes tracking him every bit of the way.

  Interesting. He and his brothers loved teasing their hotheaded sister over the manufactured crush. Jewel’s reaction, however, sometimes made him wonder if they might have hit the truth after all.

  Did she have a thing for Heath, the soft-spoken singing cowboy of the Loveland clan? He couldn’t be more opposite from tough-talking, bold, impetuous Jewel. Sometimes opposites attracted, though.

  A relationship between a Cade and a Loveland wouldn’t ever be possible, of course. It was as unlikely as something happening between him and Sofia, despite last night’s devastating kiss, which left him sleepless and thinking of little else.

  A group of singers launched into an a cappella version of “The First Noel” and their five-part harmony filled the gingerbread-scented air.

  He glanced over at Sofia. She’d done something pretty to her hair tonight. A headband pulled it off her oval face, leaving dark curls to dangle around her ears and frame her delicate features. In gray dress slacks and a white cashmere sweater with a silver scarf twined around her neck, she resembled one of the Christmas angels that adorned his church’s front lawn. His gaze dropped to her rosy lips and the beauty mark above them and his body tightened just thinking about kissing her again. Right there.

  Last night, the intimate feel of her warm and soft in his arms, the rightness of it, had blown him away.

  But none of it could be.

  Not with Jesse’s specter growing stronger as the holiday approached, reminding them both of their shared guilt. They wouldn’t cross the line and betray Jesse. As for his family, he couldn’t imagine what they would think. His siblings had given him heck in the barns today about getting caught with Sofia last night. Going forward, he’d ensure they never had cause to speculate about her again.

  Besides, her impressive steps to address her addiction didn’t erase her history as a drug user. After Jesse, James refused to open himself up to living that roller coaster of heartbreak, mistrust and despair again. What shook him most about Sofia, however, was how easily he lost his self-control around her. Logic and order stopped mattering and it scared him.

  A lot.

  Jewel stepped behind Javi and rested her hands on his shoulders. “MaeBelle, huh? How do you know that’s what she’s called?”

  “’Cause she’s got bells. See?” Javi pointed at the strings of glitter-covered bells encircling the gaudy tree.

  Jewel nodded solemnly. “All right. I’ll put my tickets in for MaeBelle. Anyone else?”

  Justin detached himself from the dark corner he’d slouched into when they’d entered the pavilion. He wore his usual head-to-toe black and a swarthy scowl, and the crowd scrambled out of the way of his stalking, slightly menacing gait. “Let’s win this thing.”

  The Cades dropped all their tickets into the white tree’s bucket. What a crazy thing to bring into their home. Not expected or normal. Did that have to be a bad thing? No. Not necessarily. Closing himself off from anything different also meant missing amazing experiences, like showcasing a disco ball tree in his family home. James’s mouth quirked up—like teaching his nephew how to saddle a horse, or kissing a beautiful woman, one he was coming to care for deeply.

  He pressed back the traitorous thought and focused on the fun night ahead.

  “Can I get more cookies, Mama?”

  “I don’t think you have room in your bag.” Sofia brushed a couple of crumbs off Javi’s cheek.

  The cookie walk, a town-wide Christmas cookie exchange, loaded up residents with enough baked goods to last until the New Year. Booths ran the length of the pavilion. Just outside stood a makeshift petting zoo, complete with reindeer.

  “I’ve got room.” James held up his bag.

  Javi studied the laden tables. “Can I get some of the chocolate kiss ones?”

  Sofia’s eyes fled James’s and he felt a smile come on. “The peanut butter one with the Hershey’s in the middle?”

  Javi tugged at his hand. “Come on!”

  A little while later, James found himself alone with Javi and Sofia inside the old-time train depot that now housed Carbondale’s town hall and post office. Jewel had splintered off to join some of her barrel-racing friends. The parade’s Miss Snowflake had claimed Jared and hustled him away. Justin. Well. Justin lurked somewhere, James supposed, somewhere he’d find trouble no doubt. As for his mother—where had she gone?

  Well. He couldn’t manage all of them every minute, nor should he have to. The rebellious thought released some of the tension in his shoulders and his body relaxed beside Sofia. He breathed in her vanilla sugar cookie smell and his pulse picked up speed.

  He’d give anything to hold her again.

  “Do you need any help, honey?” Sofia asked.

  “Can I draw what I want?” Javi stopped scribbling on the fancy red-and-green-bordered paper the town provided for kids to write letters to Santa.

  “I’m sure. You’ll just need to sign your name so he knows who it’s from.”

  “Javi Cade with a J and a C,” Javi proclaimed, the pride in his voice making James’s heart swell. It seemed like forever ago that he’d questioned whether Javi was a Cade. Now Javi seemed woven into the fabric of their lives and James couldn’t imagine his family without him.

  Sofia, too.

  In just three weeks, they’d leave for Portland. The dismal thought tolled inside his empty spaces, echoing.

  “Is this right, Uncle James?”

  He peered down at the paper. Javi had drawn a mother, father an
d son, their hands joined. They stood before a massive tree topped with what looked like a unicorn head as a topper.

  Sofia’s quick breath of air voiced the shock reverberating inside of him. Javi wanted a family. Specifically, given the coloring and size he’d given each figure, Javi wanted the three of them to be that family. Technically the male figure could have been Jesse, but a part of James, a big part, wanted it to be him.

  Javi had asked if he was like a daddy. The love he felt for this boy surpassed anything he’d ever felt before, save the moment his lips had touched Sofia’s. He wished he could be Javi’s father. But for his careless actions, though, Jesse would be—should be—the one having that honor.

  “Yes. Yes, it’s right,” he said.

  “Mama?”

  Sofia’s wide eyes darted anywhere but at him. “I—I— Yes. It looks very good.”

  Her lashes rose and suddenly he found himself gazing directly into her warm brown eyes. Did she believe they looked good as a family or was she just humoring Javi?

  It shouldn’t matter.

  But it did.

  “How do I spell please?” Javi asked.

  “P-L-E-A-S-E,” Sofia announced.

  “I’m writing it three times so it comes true.”

  “Javi. You know we’re going to Portland in a few weeks, right?”

  Javi shrugged his shoulders and didn’t raise his bent head. The knuckles around the pencil clamped inside his fist blanched.

  Sofia widened her eyes at James and mouthed, “Help.” James returned her stare but remained motionless. Sofia needed to be honest with her son about her addiction and how it played into her decisions, like moving them to Portland.

  “How do I write thank you?”

  James spelled it out carefully. If he could have a Christmas wish, what would it be? He eyed Sofia, then Javi. In a perfect world, he knew exactly what he’d wish for.

  “All set?” Sofia asked when Javi dropped his pencil and kissed the paper.

  “That’s for good luck. And this.” He pulled some holly berries from his coat and added them to the envelope with the letter. “I saved some from when we met Grandma.”